


Russian Roulette

by rosegoldstar



Category: No Fandom
Genre: 1950s, Cheating, Drug Use, Drugs, First time nervousness, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Gay Sex, Guns, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, M/F, M/M, Russian Roulette, Secret Lovers, Secret Relationship, Smut, hidden love, m/m - Freeform, mlm, period homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:08:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegoldstar/pseuds/rosegoldstar
Summary: 1950s New York City. Robert, a well versed business man, has a deep dark secret that he keeps hidden from everyone including himself. He struggles to come to terms with it, turning to substances and dangerous games to cope. Will Robert discover who he is or will the bullet catch up to him first?-18+, contains smut, drug use and games of Russian roulette.
Kudos: 4





	1. 1

I took the gun and rotated the chamber. I cocked it slowly as I had many times before; I gingerly placed the cool end of the muzzle against my temple and winced as it tingled my skin. I took a deep breath and pushed down on the trigger. Click. It was empty. I shakily let out the breath I was holding and placed the gun back onto the table. The small crowd cheered as clangs of coins hit the neighbouring tables. It was going to be a long night. 

I stumbled out of the door into the main bar, still overwhelmed by the adrenaline flowing through me. The sound of glass clacking and the roars of merry men both lifted my spirit and overwhelmed me. I took a seat at the bar and put my head in my hands, trying to gather my thoughts and calm down. I reached into my inner pocket and pulled out a pack of smokes, I placed one into my mouth and lit it hastily. I dragged a breath and took in the smooth chemicals. “Hello Robert, would you like anything to drink?” The barman questioned, studying my facial features. I nodded and took a drag from my cigarette. “Whisky on the rocks, please,” I smiled gently. He prepared my drink and gently slid it across the bar to me. “And here’s a little complimentary present,” he grinned as he slid a small packet of white powder to me. 

I took my drink and my gift and sat at a table in the corner. I was a regular at the bar and the barman, Edward, knew me well. He knew of the... questionable... things I would do to get my hit and I told him all about the sickness of the brain I had. He didn’t understand it but he respected it, I didn’t really expect him to anyway. I stubbed my cigarette out on the table and gently opened the packet of white powder. I poured it out onto the table and grabbed a crisp one dollar bill from my wallet and gathered it into a thin line. I rolled up the bill and snorted the powder up my nose. I coughed softly as it began to numb the back of my throat and slumped in my seat as the euphoria overtook me. I poured the rest of my whisky down my throat and took off into the streets, down the dully lit streets, back home. 

By day I was a fairly well-respected business man that was barely keeping it together, and at night I was a gangster that took risks and didn’t give a fuck about anyone but myself and getting money and drugs in any way I could. It was difficult staying afloat, still coming up from The Great Depression, and oh boy did I feel depressed. 

I woke at the crack of dawn, my head spinning and my stimulant high gone. My wife shuffled into the room and stood at the end of the bed; she gave me a big look of pity. “For fuck sake Robert, you went to the bar again didn’t you? How many times have I told you I don’t want you to go there?” She spat as she pulled the sheets off me and shoved me out of bed. “Beatrice, I have to, how else are we going to get money?” I sighed, rubbing my hand over my growing stubble. She looked at the floor as I saw her eyes fill with tears. “Oh I don’t know, maybe do your job properly? I told you to stop playing Russian Roulette. I don’t know what I’d do if our baby didn’t have a father.” She sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her stomach. I cradled her gently and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry, I’ll do better,” I whispered into her ear. I grabbed my suit from the closet and dressed myself. I smiled weakly at her and grabbed my briefcase as I walked out of the door. I stepped into my car and drove into the busy New York City streets. Back to the daily grind I guess. 

The office was grey and dull and the people in it were just as bad. Work was the same as everyday, meetings, phone calls and boring small talk but everyone had a slight pep in their step because it was almost the weekend. 

I raced back to the house, trying to beat the traffic. I had a special type of appointment coming up and I couldn’t be late. I crept into the door and flicked the light on; the house was silent and still. I slowly walked up the stairs and into my bedroom where I found my wife napping soundly in the bed. I quietly changed into a shirt and formal pants and crept back out to my car. My appointment was at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel, a few miles away from my house and the bar. 

I clutched the steering wheel anxiously, my throat closing up from fear and anticipation. I had done this many times before but it never got easier, I wouldn’t say I found it unpleasant though. I enjoyed it. The taboo of it, the excitement, the thrill but there was always something at the back of my mind that said that, what I was doing was wrong and if my wife found out she would absolutely kill me. I had to do it though, I needed money. I needed my fix. And fuck me did I need some excitement in my life.


	2. 2

I pulled into the hotel parking lot and took the key out of the ignition. I looked outside to make sure no one was near and then quickly ducked into the hotel. I smiled at the receptionist and walked up to her. “Hello Ma’am, I was wondering if you could tell me which room Arthur Bedford is in? I have a meeting with him,” I asked her gently, trying not to raise any suspicions. “Yes, one moment please,” she replied as she began to flick through the book in front of her. “Okay, could I please get a name before I give you the room number?” Ah shit. “Uhh, yeah my name is... A-Andrew Marsh,” I stuttered. She nodded and scrawled the fake name down. “Okay great, Arthur’s room is 369 on the 3rd floor.” I thanked her and headed towards the elevator. I got in and pressed the button. I anxiously picked at my fingers as I waited for the elevator to reach the 3rd floor. 

I stepped out and started walking down the corridor, scouring for the door number. 369. I stood outside the door and knocked. I stepped back and gently dusted down my clothes. “Oh hello, come in,” a blue eyed well-groomed man whispered nervously. I smiled and headed inside the room. 

“So Robert... Right? How does this all work?” He asked, gingerly looking me up and down. “Yes. So you tell me what you want and then we’ll arrange payment after. I’m happy to do pretty much everything,” I reassured. He nodded and paced around the room. “I’ve never done this... With-with a man before,” he choked, “I guess I was just... curious...” I gently wrapped my arms around him and guided him towards the bed, carefully placing him on the edge of it and sat next to him.

“That’s okay, do you want to talk about it?” I soothed, rubbing his back. “This is just so fucked up,” he groaned, “I’ve thought about this for a while but I have a family. I don’t want to be a queer.” He sighed slightly and looked up at me, studying my eyes. “My heart is racing, feel it,” he said as he took my hand and placed it over his chest. His heart was pounding in his chest and I could see the beads of sweat forming on his pale forehead. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. This doesn’t change who you are, it’s okay to be curious. Just tell me to stop if you want me to. I’m going to get on the floor now, alright?” He nodded and physically tried to relax. I smiled as I got off the bed onto my knees and shuffled closer to him.

I put my hands on his belt buckle and began to undo it. I pulled his pants down to his ankles and then pulled down his underwear. His penis was already semi-erect, waiting in anticipation. “Wait,” he whispered, taking a deep breath and slowly blinking, “...do it.” I lightly cupped his balls with my left hand and slowly rubbed my other hand over his penis. I began to quicken the pace as I felt him relax slightly. I licked up his pulsing shaft and tenderly licked the head, lightly sucking as I went. I looked up and caught a glimpse of him holding his head back, obviously in pure pleasure. I kept licking the shaft, teasing him before the main event. I began sucking the head of his penis and taking in as much of it as I could. His head began to pulse quicker and I felt his body shake. “I think I'm going to cum,” he gasped, sounding slightly abashed. I continued licking his head and he came into my mouth, I swallowed politely. “Was that okay?” I smiled, “is there anything else you want me to do?” He gulped loudly, trying to gather his thoughts. “Yes, t-thank you. I've also always wondered what it would be like to have someone inside of me...” he tapered off, looking somewhat ashamed. “I can do that, let me prep first and I'll get you into position,” I reassured as I began to take off my pants and underwear. I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out a condom packet. I began to rub my shaft and tore the condom packet open with my teeth. “Get on the bed on your hands and knees,” I explained gently. He proceeded to remove his shoes and his pants from around his ankles and got up onto the bed. I slid the condom down my penis and carefully lined up behind him. “Just breathe okay? If you need me to stop just say so.” His body shook from nervousness but he nodded to give permission. 

I slowly inserted and cautiously thrusted in and out of him, gripping his hips to keep him into position. He shook uncontrollably beneath me, his short gasps beginning to turn into gentle moans. “F-fuck,” he moaned as he collapsed onto the bed. I quickly pulled out and placed a hand on his back. “Are you okay?” I inquired. After a moment he sat up onto the bed and smiled weakly. “Yes, thank you. I actually really enjoyed it.” He looked down at my still erect penis and bit his lip. “D-do you mind if I finish you off?” Usually my main concern was my client’s pleasure but he seemed to really want to and I felt like I had a sort of... connection with him. I nodded and laid down onto the bed; he crawled up and straddled me and started rubbing my penis. 

“That was fun,” he smiled, “I’m going to shower, I’ll be right back.” He left the room and my mind started to race, I had never felt this way with any other of my clients, it was mainly just a way for me to make some quick cash but this time felt different. 

He came back out of the bathroom in a towel and took his wallet out of his pants pocket. “How much do you want for your services?”  
“75 dollars if that sounds good to you.” He nodded and pulled out 75 dollars in bills and handed them to me. “Hey Robert I was wondering... If I could have your phone number? If it's not too much hassle of course. I just really enjoyed it today and you really opened my eyes – I would really like to explore more with you if that's okay.” He asked, avoiding eye contact. “That's absolutely fine,” I smirked as I grabbed some pen and paper from the bedside table and wrote down my phone number. “You better leave now, I'll take a shower and then take off too.” He nodded and thanked me again as I stepped into the bathroom.

I quickly got dressed and left the hotel into the crisp New York City air. I stepped into my car and let out a deep breath. I grabbed a cigarette from the door pocket and lit it up. I felt like I had somewhat of a connection with Arthur and I wished that I could talk to him more. I was slightly afraid that if he ever called, my wife would pick up the phone but I knew that he wanted to keep our encounter very secret. I put the key into the ignition and began to drive away from the hotel. I felt a mixture of pleasure and satisfaction but also deep guilt and anxiety from what I had done.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains slight mention of suicidal thoughts.

I put the key into my front door and held my breath. I flicked on the hall light and walked into the living room; my wife was sitting close to the television set fondly rubbing her stomach. “Hello Mary, how was your day?” I asked as I sat next to her and wrapped my arm around her back. “You were late home again today,” she spat, not once taking her eyes off the television. “I had to work overtime today, look,” I retorted as I took the money out of my wallet and handed it to her, “take it.” She studied the notes quizzically and placed them on the table beside her. “Okay fine.” She switched the television off and trudged up the stairs. I sat on the sofa and slumped back into it; I did a line of coke and then lit up a cigarette. I stared at the phone across the room, almost willing for Arthur to call. I wondered how he was feeling, did he regret it? Did he feel guilty too? Or was he still happy he did it? Did he want to see me again? I pondered as I took a puff of my cigarette. 

I woke up around noon still on the sofa, my wife quietly dusting the room around me. “Oh hey Mary,” I greeted as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “Good afternoon. Your friend called, asked if you wanted to meet at the bar in a little while.” I immediately felt butterflies in my stomach and my cheeks flushed pink. “Who was it? Did they leave a name?”  
“It was Edward.”  
“Oh, I see,” I said disappointedly, my heart sinking. I rushed to change out of yesterday’s clothes and kissed my wife goodbye. 

I pulled into the bar parking lot and scurried inside. “Hey Robert, want to play a round?” Edward beamed as he placed my usual whisky on the rocks on the table. “Maybe, what are the bets like today?” I asked, taking a sip of my drink. “Pretty good, there's lots of spectators today. Are you feeling like being a risk-taker on this fine afternoon?”  
“Mmhm.” I slammed the rest of my drink and walked into the hidden back rooms.

“Ah there he is! Robert! We've got 500 dollars up for grabs today and a few grams of coke. Want to join in?” Andrew, the main bettor, asked. “Sure thing.” I took a place at the round wooden table before me. Playing Russian Roulette when passively suicidal was like letting fate make the decision, it takes the power away from you and having to actively do the act. Andrew put a single bullet into the revolver cylinder and gave it a hearty spin. He placed it into the middle of the table and spun it around. I watched closely as I saw the barrel twist around the table. I shook my leg nervously under the table and wiped the beads of sweat that had started to form on my forehead. The barrel stopped at the man sitting opposite me. He grabbed the gun and placed it against his temple, he seemed confident and unafraid of the possible death he was subjecting himself to. Click. He placed the gun back down on the table and twisted it around once again. The audience roared as some of them got their bets back. This time the barrel landed on the man sitting next to me, he seemed nervous and shakily put the gun up to his head. Click. He once again placed the gun on the table and gave it a vigorous spin. This time the barrel landed on me. I carefully picked the gun up and placed it against my clammy forehead, thoughts danced around my head. I thought maybe if there was a live round in there at least I would no longer be a failure to my family and I wouldn’t disappoint anyone but I also thought of my future and life to come. I cocked the gun and lightly placed my finger on the trigger. I felt my throat closing up and sickness filling my stomach. I quickly pointed the gun up at the ceiling and fired. Bang. Shit. I fell off the side of my chair and the roar of the crowd became overwhelming and I felt like I was outside of my body and underwater. The sound of the bullet was still ricocheting in my ears. “Robert! Robert, are you okay?” The voice pulled me out of my state. “Fuck- yes, yes I’m okay,” I murmured as I sat up and rubbed the back of my head. In all my years of playing the game I probably had only seen 2 men die from it, I somehow got lucky with blanks every time, until now. Edward heard the commotion and clambered into the room. He helped me to my feet and walked me up to the bar. 

He handed me a glass of water and a cigarette. “Are you alright? You took a bit of a fall there,” he asked concerned. I nodded and took a sip of my drink. “I’m fine, there’s just a lot of shit going on right now and I’m really going through it.” He watched me nervously and leaned close to my ear. “There’s been some rumours about you Robert and they’re not good,” he warned. My blood ran cold. I hurriedly stubbed my cigarette out on the bar. “I-I, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about Edward. Please just hand me my cut so I can get back to Mary, she’s waiting for me,” I stammered, rushing to get my coat on. He handed me some coins from the bettors and I quickly left the building. My head ached from falling onto the floor. I took a slow drive back to the house. 

“Hey Darling, how was the bar? Did you see Edward?” My wife asked as she served dinner at the table. “Oh it was okay. Yeah, Edward was serving today so I didn’t really get to speak to him that much.” We both sat down at the table and started to eat. “Ah I see. Give him my kind regards next time you see him. I hope his wife Alison is well too.” I smiled and tucked into the meat on my plate. “Oh someone called for you today. Arthur I believe? He asked me if I could write his phone number down for you. Who is he?”  
“H-he’s just someone that I met at the bar the other day, don’t worry about it,” I explained.  
“Mhmm. I was wondering if you... wanted to have some fun tonight? We haven’t in a while and... you know...” she grinned blushingly.  
“Yes of course. I need to make some phone calls first but you’ll wait for me, right?” She nodded and smiled and we finished our food in relative silence. 

After dinner Mary cleaned up and went upstairs to get ready. I nervously crept up to the phone and picked up the piece of paper my wife had written on. I shakily dialed the number on the rotary and held my breath as the call went through.  
“Hello Arthur,” I squeaked.  
“Robert? Is that you?”  
“Hello, yes it’s me.”  
“It’s so lovely to hear from you,” I could hear him smile through the phone.  
“Are you okay? Is everything alright?”  
“Yes everything is fine. Thank you for the other night. I really... enjoyed it.”  
“I did too.”  
“Did you want to meet again at some point? Maybe tomorrow? We can meet at the Lindenwood Diner for dinner at 8?.”  
“Sure, I’ll try my best to make it.”  
“Cool. So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
“Yes. I need to go but I’ll see you tomorrow Arthur, goodbye.”  
“Bye.”  
I hung up the phone and felt mildly lighter.

I walked into the bedroom to see my wife in nothing but a slip skirt lying back on the bed. She caressed her breasts as I slid onto the end of the bed. I completely stripped off my clothes and threw them onto the floor. I crawled up to her and gently took her skirt off; she spread her legs open to the side. I leant down and used my fingers to carefully part her vulva lips. I started to tenderly lick her labia and lightly sucked on her clitoris. She ran her hands over my penis as I inserted my fingers inside her and fingered her. Her body shook with pleasure and tensed as she came to orgasm. She started to rub her hand over my penis and as much as I tried to get into it, I just couldn't. “What's going on?” She frowned, sitting up on the bed to look at me. I quickly started to jack my penis, willing it to get harder, “no no, it's okay please just give me a moment. Hold on.” She sighed and started to put her clothes back on, “it's fine Robert, I get it.” I gently grabbed her wrist and turned her to look at me, “I'm sorry, work is very stressful at the moment. I love you.” She scoffed and rolled over to sleep. I lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. After taking a few puffs I put it out on my bedside table ashtray and turned off the light. I laid down on my back and stared up to the ceiling, feeling a mixture of emotions of anxiety, sadness and excitement.


End file.
